I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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