I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
