right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
