I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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