the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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