my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Small penises have feelings too.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
