you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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