Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
