She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
