This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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