Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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