mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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