now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
