so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
