did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
