Kareoke will never be a sober sport
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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