Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
