she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
