he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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