Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
