Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
