The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
