It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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