I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
