WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
