if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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