I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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