honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
