I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
