she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
