Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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