4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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