I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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