At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
