if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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