considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
