i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
