So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
