i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
