Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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