ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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