He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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