I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
