you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
