but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
