my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We need to get me chipped asap
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
