Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
