my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
