I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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