Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
