I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
