You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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