I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
