two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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