My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
