i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize