I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
