i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have post one night stand depression
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