i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
