And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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