You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
